One Year On

This time last year, I was laying in a hospital bed in a fair amount of pain, unable to sleep due to really irritating attachments on my feet that periodically inflated to keep my circulation going.  My lovely friend Stef in New Zealand was online, and sent me a photo via facebook to cheer me up, and this is the one she got back!

So, it has been a whole year since the big op.  The one where they broke my tib and fib, moved everything about a bit and then fixed it all back together with several large screws.
In some ways it feels like an eternity, and in some ways I feel like I'm not sure where the year went, particularly the second half of it!

A couple of months ago, I would have told you that I regretted the decision to have this operation.  I'm still not 100% sure I am over that feeling yet, however I am getting there, slowly but surely.  It has been a bit of a rollercoaster of uncomfortable moments, strong emotions and finding out where my limits are, and at times I have felt like there wasn't going to be an end to this saga (or at least not the one I was hoping for!).

It's taken pretty much the whole year to recover from this op (and the two others I had afterwards), but I am finally able to run again!  I am not pain-free, and in all honesty I'm not sure I ever will be, however the days of being woken in the night by it are gone, and I am slowly learning to trust that I can do the things I could do before.  Before my family all panic and phone me to tell me off, I don't mean the marathon!  I have a place, but I have come to terms with the fact that I won't be at the start line in April next year.  Might sound odd considering my history, but it's been a tough one to let go of!  I do however have high hopes that I will get one of these instead;

And instead of being at the start line of the London Marathon next year, I will make myself useful at Fetchpoint with this bunch of lovely friends, handing out sweets, calling out names and clapping until my hands hurt (whilst drinking champagne and keeping out of the way of flying corks!!).

I have managed to run a mere 10 miles this year, compared to 211 miles last year (completed in just the first four months!), however during those 10 miles I have re-discovered that wonderful feeling of joy you can get from setting yourself little targets, and from being able to push yourself just to the point of achieving them, but not so far that you end up broken.  I have finally run around the village we moved to, which means I can now officially call myself a 'Hermitage Jogger' - a group that was started up a few weeks after we moved in, and my first proper Hermitage jog was a year later almost to the day!  At the moment, in spite of the cold and the wheezing in my chest, above all else, I am enjoying running like I never have before.  The old saying is true - you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone.

Light at the end of the tunnel

The evening after the jab was a bit sore, improved by laying down in bed (any excuse ;-)).  the following day we went off to Brecon with some friends, so it was a busy morning packing and sorting out the house.  I was a bit sore and stiff, but not too bad, although sitting still in the car for the journey began to get quite uncomfortable quite quickly, so I took some painkillers when we stopped for lunch on the way.  Generally though, being on my feet meant being pain-free, and going up stairs seemed less painful than it had before = massive result!!

On Friday we decided to go for a walk as the weather was beautiful - one of the hottest Halloweens on record I believe.  I cannot even put into words how good it felt to get out walking in the hills without constant pain!  I couldn't stop grinning all the way up to Corn Dhu!  The descent was a little harder, and the last ten minutes of the walk did involve quite an ache in my hip (and a little in my knee and ankle also), however it was a pretty stern test for two days after the injection so I wasn't expecting miracles!  I also need to take into account that I am generally not very fit anymore, so am likely to find things harder for a little while.  The evening and the following morning brought more stiffness and pain, however it felt ok because it felt like pain caused by exercise, which is a nice sort of pain!  I may have looked like an old lady when getting in and out of chairs/cars, but I felt good!

The following day we went for a walk around Talybont reservoir, which was nice and flat.  Bizarrely, I found this a bit harder than the day before.  I think it must be the repetition of the same movement over and over as my body re-learns how everything is aligned.  For example, I found I got backache low down in my back and side.  I think I just need to walk lots to let my body settle down and work out where everything fits now.  

On the journey home from Wales I didn't get the same pain from sitting in the car, in fact I barely noticed any pain in my hip at all.  And as the days have gone by, the improvement has been exponential.  I barely notice any hip pain at all now, and certainly not from moving around like before.  I occasionally get a deep aching sensation for a few minutes when I am sitting down, but that is about it.  I can get into a car without problems, I can sit down and stand up without problems, and I can get out of bed without problems.  I can do all of those things like a 34 year old instead of an 84 year old, and that makes me very happy indeed!

My plan from here is to take things slow and steady - I have learnt from last time that immediately jumping on the treadmill and running a mile is NOT a good way to get back into things!  Instead I am booked into some pilates classes, and intend to get back on the exercise bike at home.  My aim is to attempt a run/walk by the end of the month, on the proviso that if it hurts, I will stop straight away!

I met with my pilates teacher for a 1:1 session yesterday, and she was absolutely lovely.  We had a chat beforehand about injuries which was funny - sometimes I can't believe I have had seven operations since 2011.....saying it all out loud to someone like that makes me realise how much my body has been through in that time!  Not only seven operations but also completing a marathon in the middle, wow!  I loved the session, and feel like this is the right thing for me to be doing.  I need to get strength back, and I also find pilates really relaxing in its own way, which is another thing I know I really need.

So in summary, finally, I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

Look away if you don't like needles

That image isn't really relevant to this blog post, but it is relevant to me at the moment, and a wonderful earworm, so there you go!

I had the cortisone injection in my hip today.  Not a minute too soon as the pain in my hip has been on a steady increase.  Pete and I went on a little walk around Hermitage on Sunday, a litter picking event organised by the parish council, which was a lovely stroll, but by the end of it I couldn't actually bend down to pick up litter anymore, and my hip was very sore for the next few days.

So, I was a bit nervous!  I'm not so bothered by needles anymore, but I'm not a fan of the unknown, nor of medical procedures, so I'm glad to get it over and done with.  Now I've had one, at least if I have to have another I will know what to expect!

I had to get into a lovely hospital gown, and then sit and wait for the radiologist.  It felt warm in the room and I could feel myself getting hotter and hotter, which was probably a little bit of nerves too.  The specialist, Mr Ahmed, was really nice - he explained exactly what he was going to do and his manner was very organised and efficient which I really appreciated.  I signed the forms to say yes I agree to you sticking a really long needle into my hip (eeek!) and then got on the bed.
The nurses got me ready (at this point I was pleased I had done a half decent job of de-fuzzing my legs etc. beforehand - honestly, there is no dignity in these situations) and took an initial x-ray of the joint.  When Mr Ahmed had cleaned the area and put a sterile sticky surround thing on me, he was ready to inject the local anaesthetic into my skin.  It was a sharp scratch but not too bad and over quite quickly.  I could see the monitors that displayed the x-ray images above my head over my left shoulder, so I distracted myself by looking at them.  Then things started to get a little uncomfortable as he positioned the needle into the joint.  He injected a bit of dye to help ensure that the anaesthetic and steroid end up in the right place.  I felt uncomfortable as opposed to outright pain, but I did wince a few times.  He got the needle right into the place where all my joint pain comes from, which of course initiated said joint pain.  I said to him that was probably a good thing, as that is where the drugs need to be, and he agreed that it was.  And just as I thought he was about to start injecting stuff into me he said 'All done' and that was it!  Needle removed and dressing put on.  I was pleasantly surprised how quick it was and how relatively pain-free.

I was told that I should avoid doing too much today, because the anaesthetic they put into the joint could obviously have the effect of allowing me to cause myself an injury in the joint without noticing, but that tomorrow I am free to do whatever I would normally do!  The steroid will apparently take up to two weeks to begin having an effect, and the anaesthetic wore off within a couple of hours, leaving me in a slightly sore state at the moment.  He did warn me that it would probably be sore for a few days, and he wasn't wrong from what I am experiencing at the moment!  I am finding it painful to be in a sitting position, so essentially my hip wants to be in a position of least resistance.  As long as I stick my leg out and slouch in a chair I can just about forget about it though!

I'm so hopeful that this will provide the relief I need to get on with things again.

A bit of a Funk

So, this happened on my newsfeed after my last blog post.  What exactly is facebook trying to tell me?!!!!

To be honest, facebook doesn't need to tell me, I am well aware that there is no more running, for the moment at least.  In fact, I am struggling with just the day to day currently if I'm honest!
The hip pain is most definitely wearing me down, and I am booked in for the cortisone injection to try and relieve it.  It is worst when I am laying down and try to move (turning over in bed for example), when I try to lift up my leg to step into the passenger side of a car (sometimes, I have to use my arms to help lift my leg) and generally when I am sitting down, and getting into and out of a seat.  I also have good days, where I have barely any pain at all, and not so good days, where I am feeling it all the time and it regularly clunks.  I can't pinpoint what causes one or the other, it seems to be fairly random!

I'm a bit nervous about the injection, although I am also looking forward to having it done as I am hopeful that it will provide some relief.  I've spoken to a few people who have had cortisone injections into various joints and all have positive stories to tell.  I have gone from a complete needle-phobe, to someone who isn't really that bothered by these things (having had seven operations since 2011 has something to do with it!), however as I have since learnt that there will be no sedation or GA as I had initially been lead to believe, I have been having a bit of a wobble!

I have also been having some pretty random pain in the joints of my fingers recently, so am in dire need of registering with a doctor (yes I know, we have lived in this house more than a year now!) to get that checked out.  It's difficult to avoid thoughts of the 'A' word, so I need someone to set my mind at ease - google is not helpful, as if there are other things that cause it, they are waaaaaay down the list on any search you run (and as such I have not come across them yet!).

SO.  I would describe myself at the moment as being in 'a bit of a funk'.  I am having to talk myself out of bed each morning, and even more so to get myself into the office.  I am fine once I am there, in fact more than fine, so I don't really know why I have only got myself in there once so far this week.  I also feel completely exhausted all of the time.  It's one of those things, I can't explain it, and I know I have a lot to be grateful for and thankful for and happy about, and I am all of those things a lot of the time.  Just at the moment I have to give myself a talking to each morning to get myself going.  So if anyone feels the need to give me a hand, drop me a line at 7am tomorrow and persuade me that getting out of bed is going to be worth it!

More Needles?

I saw the specialist today to talk about how things are progressing.  So I told him that since I had a go at running I have had quite a lot more pain again, in my hip and knee in particular, where it was OK before.
My ankle is always a bit sore, but the hip and knee had both been doing fine.  Now, when I try to do things like squats or lunges I get sharp pain in the front of my patella, and my hip often feels like it needs to (painfully) click.  On several occasions I have had to stop whatever movement I was doing because of the pain.
I have also noticed that just generally my hip feels like it catches more, and aches like it did pre-op.

So, it looks like one of two possible situations;

1.  Running has made the joint inflamed, which is causing the catching sensation and the pain.  I need to monitor it for a couple of weeks and see if it improves, and if not then I will need to have a cortisone injection into my hip under local or general anaesthetic.

Or......and I'm really hoping for option one here......

2.  Running has re-initiated the labral tear.  My surgeon says I'd have to be pretty unlucky for this to be the case!  Four surgeries in, it has to be said I wouldn't use the word 'lucky' to describe my predicament so luck is something I am trying not to rely on if possible!  (Believe me, I do know things could be much worse, but still........)

Please if you read this, send a few good 'let it sort itself out on its own' vibes my way!!  The thought of another hospital procedure is not something I want to contemplate right now (although I do LOVE the sensation of being put under a GA!).

First Run Since VLM 2013

I had my final operation, to remove the metalwork from my ankle, in early July, and literally my first step after the operation was dramatically less painful than beforehand.  I can't tell you how good it felt just to be able to walk around my house and up and down stairs with so much less pain!  I was given crutches, and I literally used them to get to the car and then abandoned them, as I just didn't need them.

Looking at the x-ray, and seeing the metalwork, it's hardly surprising how much pain it caused whilst it was in place!

I rested up for a couple of weeks after the last operation, and then set off on a mission to get myself fit again.  I have started doing high intensity circuit training, alongside sessions on an exercise bike and (less frequently) a rowing machine.

I built this up over a couple of weeks, and was finding it all ok (tough, but in a good way!) and only occasionally getting twinges of pain in my ankle when doing high impact activities like jumping jacks, so  I spoke to my physio about having a go at running, and she said I could do it if I felt confident, but stick to a treadmill and be guided by pain.

I don't think I have ever been that excited about having a go on a treadmill before!!  OK, actually I don't think I have EVER been excited about using a treadmill.....I hate the things....but if it meant I could run then great!
I started off at a gentle jog, and within a couple of steps I knew it wasn't good.  A third of a mile in, the pain was quite bad, and I thought I should maybe stop.  But, just to clarify, I did mention I am stubborn didn't I, and  I was determined to do a mile at all costs.  So I did.  And the cost was, I was in agony (and tears) as I hobbled to my car.  Since then, I have had increased pain in my ankle, knee and more significantly my hip.  I completely stopped all exercise for a few weeks because I felt so miserable again!  I have no plans to run again anytime soon, and am back seeing the physio, who has modified a few of the exercises in my circuits to help strengthen my bad leg.  I have wondered a lot whether the big op was the right thing to do, given that I only did it on the proviso that if I didn't I wouldn't be able to run again without re-injuring myself, and here I am 10 months later, still unable to run.

All of this being said, it is looking less and less likely that I will be at the start line of VMLM 2015 as I had hoped.  I'm totally gutted about it, but I just don't see how at this point I could ever build up the mileage in time.

A Short Summary.....

I can't believe it has been over a year since my last blog.
And I am still not running.....
However, I am finally emerging from a long, painful and sometimes miserable recovery period.  I have learnt a lot about myself in the process of all this, and I'm pretty sure I have come out the other side stronger (mentally at least!).

How to sum it all up in a few words...hmmm....

Since I ran the London Marathon in 2013, I have had four operations on my right leg.  Yes, I think that is a good summary!!  I'll write another post about the operations themselves, as there is way too much to include it all here, but it has been pretty life-changing.

One of the operations, back in December 2013, was essentially a controlled break of my right leg.  It is fair to say that I have still not fully recovered from that, but I feel like I might finally be getting there slowly but surely.  The operation resulted in metalwork in my leg which was supposed to stay in for around two years, however it became apparent five months or so in that it needed to come out ASAP as it was the likely cause of the significant pain I was getting.  I don't know why I thought this, as I should know better by now (did the wrist saga teach me nothing!?!) but I kinda assumed that I would have six weeks in plaster, a couple of months recovery and building back up, and then all would be good again and I could start back running.  Oooooh how wrong you can be!!!  I was going to physio regularly, and doing exercises to build strength, however nothing seemed to change, and walking was constantly painful - often unbearably so.

Being a bit of a stubborn (and impatient) soul, I don't think I did myself many favours, constantly trying to push the limits and not always listening to my body, but if I am honest I found the whole situation beyond frustrating, and actually really depressing.  Can you imagine waking up every morning knowing that every step you take that day on your right leg is going to hurt?  There were days where I didn't want to get out of bed, and often weeks where I barely left the house.  And most of the time, being in bed wasn't even much of a relief, because particularly in the first couple of months after the operation it was impossible to find a position where both my hip and my ankle were pain free.  Running is therapy for me, allowing me space and time to empty my mind.  When unable to run, going for a walk is the next best thing, guaranteed to improve my mood and make me feel better about myself.  Being unable to do either, at a time in my life where I really needed the headspace (moving house, significant unwanted and stressful job changes, and engagement and wedding in the space of a couple of months, coupled with the impact coping with injury and pain has on a person) has meant that there have been times when I have really struggled in the past year.

A typical physio session.......